“A Letter From the Universe”
“A Letter From the Universe”
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1.
I gave you the best of me,
But you don’t want the rest of me.
Not the tears, not the pain,
Always sunshine over rain.
2.
You love my good so immensely,
And hate what’s left, with same intensity.
You give all your love to the good days
Because good days are easy to love,
Because it’s easy to smile
When smiles are all you see from me,
But you run out of love the days I need it most,
The hard days,
The days I cannot be perfect for you
And I can only blame myself when you hate
me,
Because you really do hate me,
Even if it’s not all of me,
But all of me is still all of me,
And I can’t be something I’m not,
3.
I am perfect as I am,
Pain, rain, darkness, and all
If there are words to express, let them come now,
Spill onto the screen like the natural flow of water-
I have been using keyboards since I was four.
It comes easier to me than speaking out loud,
My voice seems to come out all wrong,
No one seems to understand me.
Still, there isn't anything I could write that could get you to feel the way I do right now,
There is too much time, too much of my life in these words
How can the shapes and sounds of vowels and consonants possibly portray all I have ever felt, all I have ever known, all the moments I have loved through, to get me to this moment,
This feeling of Now, and Now will never be the same again,
You could never understand and we are both infinitely alone in our own world,
But maybe, words can be enough,
Just enough to touch the surface
Or maybe, ease my pain.
Once upon a time,
there was a waffle named Pancake.
Now you see,
right off the bat,
this is a very odd name for a waffle.
And so, Pancake the waffle grew up
a very confused waffle.
And so, one day, she began her quest
to find her true identity
and bring meaning to her life.
So, she set out,
said goodbye to her parents,
and went off into the world.
On her journey, she met Butter.
He was a very nice boy,
if not somewhat yellow.
He said, 'Hello Pancake!
Did you know butter and pancakes
go good together?'
And she said, 'But I am a waffle!'
And he said, 'Thats okay!
Butter goes well with waffles too!'
And they became friends.
They continued along their path,
and they met May Pull Syrup!
She was a very sweet girl.
And she said, "Hello, Butter and Pancake!
Did you know syrup goes well
with butter and pancakes?"
And Pancake said 'But I am a waffle...'
And May said, 'Thats okay! I go well with waffles too!'
And they all became friends.
Then, Pancake realized-
It doesn't matter what label others put on her-
whether she is pancake or waffle-
she is still mighty tasty,
and she has great friends.
The End.
You don't always know it
Right from the start,
But love grows over time
Inside of your heart.
And you'll know when you feel it,
That, yes, is true.
You'll see changes in thoughts
And the things that you do.
At first, you may talk,
Or go out for a walk,
Or, because of their looks, you may even gawk.
And as time goes on,
And yes time does go on,
You may start to miss them
Whenever they're gone.
You may that think their eyes
Are the nicest you've found,
And for you, oh, their breath is
The most calming sound.
Their speech is so charming and their worries alarming
And you'd like to defend them from all sorts of harming.
And as you grow fonder,
And yes, you'll grow fonder.
You'll look past the skin
And look over there yonder.
You may see every fault-
And they may make you halt!
But if your love is true,
It stays safe, like a vault.
And these faults that they have, why, they might make you laugh.
Oh, how fun to laugh at your better half!
When keeping in mind laughter's meant to be shared.
Though they'll have their faults, well, you never cared.
If you laugh at their faults, oh you're meant to be paired!
And once love hits you both, oh you'll both be a team!
You shall share every worry, you shall share every dream.
You shall share every happy and sappy, and scream.
You shall share all the tears, you shall share all the pain.
You shall share all the hugs and each kiss in the rain.
You will stay so in love,
No matter what changes
Be it time, place, or reason,
Or perhaps other arranges.
And when you're in love,
You see with new eyes.
You'll look at new things
As if in disguise.
You'll treat each thing different,
Each thing that you do.
You'll appreciate more with your new different view.
And oh oh oh oh!
How happy you'll be!
How sweet when they say
'I hope you love me!
I hope you love me,
For how I love you!'
And the smiles as you say
'Darling, I love you too!'
Oh, how happy you'll be!
How happy you'll be!
How glad you will be to say 'us' and 'we.'
How joyous you'll feel to feel love and love free!
You may doubt it now, but you wait and see!
You will find the one with who you're meant to be!
I don't miss my family, I'm used to being without them
I don't miss my lover because I'm happier without him
I don't miss my friends because I never got attached
I love myself, alone, unknown, unseen, and now, unmatched
But I love the world that whirls and twirls
and never falls apart
And I love the people in it with my whole soul and my heart
If only my internal soul was stronger from the start
I've been pushed way past my limits, and I do more than what's my part
Limits become new limits and those get pushed past too
I never knew that I would get to know a God like You.
You're good and cruel and perfect,
You are perfect, yes, it's true
But I wonder what they'd think of me,
If they met a God like You.
Absolute chaos.
But, at the same time, so completely calm.
We speed by at such a monstrous pace.
Will we crash and then burn,
And erupt in flames that burn so bright?
'Cause at least in the end
We'd end it right.
Like Romeo
and Juliet.
Or,
Will we flicker and die,
Like a candle who has nothing left
As its last flame of hope
Gives its last breath?
Like my parents
who used to fight.
Absolute chaos.
But, at the same time, so completely calm.
We speed by at such a monstrous pace.
We walk on the gray sidewalk
That's sprinkled with splashes
Of crinkly crushes,
Red and orange.
We're walking side by side,
Hips glued together,
But never quite close enough-
I can't hear his heartbeat.
Leaves crackle beneath our feet.
We find ourselves lost
Amongst the trees.
Their branches seem so lively and vibrant,
With splashes of color,
Red and Orange,
That catch your eye.
But summer falls and winter springs,
And leaves are falling from these trees.
They too, will die, as all things freeze.
We stop together and we sit
And then we simply gaze
At these splashes of debris,
Red and orange,
That block a streams flow.
The water simply trickles
Glittering in the suns warm, gentle rays,
Like tears from the most beautiful face.
I never want to leave this place.
I never want to leave this place.
there are some days
when I wake up
and the first thing I want to do
is talk to you;
kiss you.
there are other days
where I get through
without a thought of you
but, as I lie down
safe in my sheets,
I think of the first time you kissed me,
(in your car, as it was raining,)
and cry.
the day was almost over.
you use the pin to prick my skin,
and blood drip-drops just like the rain,
which taps upon a window pane.
the window is much like a face
that's crying tears and lacking grace.
the tears dry up and leave a stain,
much like a scar, to mark my pain.
my pain is like an icy cold
that chills the spine as I grow old.
my age is like an empty shell
that lost its love and lives in hell.
that hell is like a burning fire
heated by my hearts desire,
turning into burning hate
for he who finds another mate,
and jealousy, a carnal sin,
will pierce my heart, much like a pin,
and as my heart lies down to bleed
I die, a victim of your greed.
when you want to run into the arms
of someone who isn't there,
who isn't real,
remember they're just a ghost.
and how to you make love to a ghost?
how can you love a life lost?
the things we miss the most
are just memories that will fade away-
washed away by rain
and blown away by wind.
it will pass.
it will be gone.
trust me, there's so much more to love.
still, I understand.
the reason we hold on so desperately,
like water slipping through our fingers,
is just because
it was beautiful
One life, one love? Nah.
You’re not the first person I’ve loved, and you will not be the last. I have loved many others before you, and I will love many others after you.
Does that mean I don’t love you as much? No. I love you so much. I love you just like all the good women in the world have loved their good men.
And yeah, I want to kiss you, and yeah, I want to hold you. But I want so much more. I want to fold your laundry while you do the dishes. I want to balance your checkbooks and fight about how we’re gonna pay the bills. I want to fall asleep with you on the other side of the bed because we’re mad at each other and wake up cuddling because we can’t stay away.
Those are the things that I want. But I have a feeling you’re gonna break my heart. Because one life, one love? It usually doesn’t work.
We will go through life loving many people. Dozens of people. Hundreds of people. We would love even more were we to have enough time. All of these loves are unique, and yet the same.
You are unique, but I love you just as I have loved every other man I’ve ever loved.
With all my heart.
And, you, just like every other man I’ve ever loved, will probably break it. Not because you want to, because it will break your heart, too. After all, our hearts have become one.
But its okay. I know I’ll be okay.
You don’t have to lie and say you won’t hurt me. You don’t have to say I can trust you. You don’t have to promise that that you won’t hurt me, because pain is unavoidable, and I know that already. But I will trust that you don’t want to hurt me. I will trust that any hurt you impose upon me, you are feeling it just as bad. I trust that when you say you’ll love me forever, you really do mean it, its just that forever might happen to come a bit earlier for you.
Regardless, its the thought that counts.
And yes, I love you, but I don’t need you. And you don’t need me either, so don’t say that you do. Sometimes we think we need something, but the reality is that we’re just too afraid to admit that we don’t. We’re afraid because we don’t want to admit we can imagine our lives without the things we think we need.
And its scary to think that the only thing I need is myself. I don’t want to admit that I don’t need you. If I don’t need you, how else can I logically explain the extremely idiotic and stupid, insane things I do just for the chance at your love?
Oh, and when you say “I love you,” don’t get mad if I don’t say “I love you, too.” I don’t like saying “I love you too.” My love is not conditioned by your love. I don’t love you just because you love me. I don’t need to love you, and I feel no obligation to love you.
I love you because I want to. I love you because its the most natural and easy thing I’ve ever done in my life.
Jo, you’re my kind of beautiful.
I told him before, I like having fun but I’m not a slut, I respect my body, don’t expect anything from me, I’m not that easy. But the truth is, I’m one of those girls who will take whatever illusion of affection she can get, mistake or not. I have been hungry for something I can’t even identify anymore, and his touch nearly reminds me of something I used to have. He makes me feel like I almost have it again. Almost. I can’t quite remember what it is I’m missing. What am I forgetting?
Forgetting or not, I am in his bed, and he is holding me. He speaks to me with soft words, soft tone, soft voice, and it makes me feel innocent again. He is warm, and comforting, and soft, and I feel safe, and I feel wanted, and I feel almost whole, like maybe I’ll finally find what I’ve been missing, like maybe I'll finally remember what it feels like. He is kissing me, and it makes me feel happy, ecstatic, wanted, guilty, and strange, like there is something I am forgetting, like there is a reason I shouldn’t be enjoying this. But I am, and there is no reason I shouldn’t, but still, the guilt sticks to the roof of my brain, and I cannot peel it off. What am I forgetting?
And soon my clothes slip off without me noticing, and I wonder how it has happened again, how it always happens so quickly, how the fear slowly creeps into my heart as the kisses come faster and the feeling of innocence slips away with my clothes- but I don’t make it stop. I don't. I don’t want him to stop. What if he stops holding me, kissing me, wanting me, needing me?
And I know deep in my heart its not the same kind of needing that I need, but its been so long since I’ve been needed that I don’t notice the difference anyway.
What am I forgetting?
And I keep thinking, its okay, its okay, I can give this much, it doesn’t have to go too far, its okay, it can stop, but the words ‘no’ and ‘stop’ are paralyzed on my lips by a familiar feeling of dread- if I say stop, will he stop holding me?
But by then it no longer matters, because I have forgotten that boys always go too fast too often too soon, and it has already gone too far, and I can feel his weight on my body and the pressure in my hips and the feeling of something too full that doesn’t fit and its too much to bear. It is already too late, but still, I cannot bear it, and I try to push him away but my strength is too weak and he does not notice. The words that were once too afraid to come out of hiding now escape my lips, softly at first, growing stronger and louder until he finally sees the look on my face and stops.
And I realize it is my fault that it has gone this far, because the look of guilt on his face tells me he did not want to hurt me. They never want to hurt me. But somehow it still happens and that can only be my fault.
Feeling guilty, I hold his hands, trying to find and give solace, make it okay. Its okay, its okay, and somehow by saying these words that don’t change a thing, we feel better. And I like his hands. They feel comforting. Like I’ve felt them before. They’re big, and rough, and hard, calloused from working, but I like them despite their lack of softness. They seem familiar to me somehow. I wonder what work these hands have done, but I feel as if I should already know.
What am I forgetting?
Knowing we were done, that this was not the needing I needed, I kiss him goodbye, and return to my own home. I climb into my own bed, my own warmth, my own safety, and I realize something. I remember now. His hands felt like yours. And now that I am alone with no one to to help me forget, all of my thoughts return to you and your love and my loss, and I start to cry.